DUEL 2 NEWSLETTER
Date : 05/02/2024 Duedate: 05/15/2024
JHANS ARENA
DM 36 TURN 966
This Week's Top Honors
THE DUELMASTER IS
SUPER SIZE ME
PAST TENSE (28)
(36-6347) [13-9-0,116]
Chartered Recognition Leader Unchartered Recognition Leader
SUPER SIZE ME BAT OUT OF HELL
PAST TENSE (28) SATAN'S CHALLENGE (690)
(36-6347) [13-9-0,116] (36-8550) [2-2-0,51]
Popularity Leader This Week's Favorite
SHE-WOLF BEHUTIFUL
TIME STALLYNS (667) IRON DAMSELS (16)
(36-8208) [9-11-0,56] (36-3482) [7-7-2,51]
THE CURRENT TOP TEAM
BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554)
TEAMS ON THE MOVE TOP CAREER HONORS
Team Name Point Gain Chartered Team
1. MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542) 52
2. GODS OF UNCOOTH (696) 39 ARABIAN KNIGHTS (685)
3. IRON DAMSELS (16) 35 Unchartered Team
4. SUICIDAL DREAMS (525) 30
5. SECTION HATE (491) 26 CHARMERS (692)
The Top Teams
Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K
1/ 2*CHARMERS (692) 15 7 1 68.2 1/ 4 BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554) 10 5 2
2/ 1*SIMPLE DISCOURSE (694) 3 2 0 60.0 2/ 2 MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542) 9 5 1
3/ 3 ARABIAN KNIGHTS (685) 31 24 2 56.4 3/ 5 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525) 9 5 0
4/ 4 MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542) 114 92 13 55.3 4/ 1 D'ORKS (693) 9 6 1
5/ 5 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525) 147 125 7 54.0 5/ 6 THE DREAMING (529) 9 6 0
6/ 7 THE DREAMING (529) 116 102 7 53.2 6/ 7*GODS OF UNCOOTH (696) 8 7 2
7/ 0 GOLD (294) 57 53 2 51.8 7/13*CHARMERS (692) 7 1 0
8/ 8 TIME STALLYNS (667) 31 30 2 50.8 8/ 3*PAINFUL VIBES (678) 7 7 0
9/ 9 BIG LAKE BASHERS (23) 435 435 42 50.0 9/15 IRON DAMSELS (16) 7 8 0
10/ 6 D'ORKS (693) 25 25 2 50.0 10/ 8 SECTION HATE (491) 7 8 0
11/ 0 ILLUSION (96) 102 109 14 48.3 11/ 9 PAST TENSE (28) 6 4 0
12/11 PAST TENSE (28) 88 95 3 48.1 12/11 DARK ABUNDANCE (695) 6 8 0
13/12 BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554) 65 71 7 47.8 13/14 ARABIAN KNIGHTS (685) 5 7 0
14/13 IRON DAMSELS (16) 151 181 9 45.5 14/12 BIG LAKE BASHERS (23) 5 10 1
15/10*PAINFUL VIBES (678) 15 18 1 45.5 15/10 TIME STALLYNS (667) 5 10 1
16/14 DARK ABUNDANCE (695) 84 102 0 45.2 16/ 0*SATAN'S CHALLENGE (690) 1 1 0
17/ 0 FERMENTED (651) 11 14 0 44.0 17/16*SIMPLE DISCOURSE (694) 1 1 0
18/15 SECTION HATE (491) 120 169 15 41.5 18/ 0 ILLUSION (96) 1 3 0
Career Win-Loss Record W L K % Win-Loss Record Last 3 Turns W L K
19/16*GODS OF UNCOOTH (696) 13 19 2 40.6 19/ 0 JUSTICE (689) 0 4 0
20/ 0*SATAN'S CHALLENGE (690) 2 3 0 40.0 20/ 0 FERMENTED (651) 0 1 0
21/ 0 JUSTICE (689) 15 25 3 37.5 21/ 0 GOLD (294) 0 1 0
'*' Unchartered team '-' Team did not fight this turn
(###) Avoid teams by their Team Id ##/## This turn's/Last turn's rank
TEAM SPOTLIGHT
Den stands in a room of seated Allied Axis recruits. He appears absolutely infuriated.
"What is wrong with you people?" he growled. "The things I'm seeing out of you are
absolutely idiotic. I'm starting to have my doubts that any of you are worthy of the
Allied Axis name. I mean, seriously. Who here actually considers himself an idiot? I
you think you're an idiot I want you to stand up."
The room remained absolutely silent. No one moved until a young man in the back of the
room stood up. Den laughed with an expression of frustration on his face. He pointed
at the young man and sneered. "Tell me, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"
The young man cleared his throat. "I don't. I just saw you standing there all by
yourself admitting it and I didn't want you to feel bad about being the only one."
Den turned red. His head snapped the direction of Philthy Phil. "Phil?"
"Yeah?"
"Have that man executed."
"Sure, but first we better start the show."
"The show?" Den asked.
Phil transformed into a highly excited all but bouncing off the walls persona. "Live
from Jhans... it's Saturday Night!!"
Music plays and the BTE opening credit scenes run. We transition to the Bullet Club
set. Fans are applauding as Cluricus warms up the crowd. "Ladies and gentlemen! Coming
straight out of Jhans and Den's fantasies... the only thing blowing harder than his
ego-storm is Kodiak's mom at Coachella... herrrrreeeeeeeee'sssssssss Bookie!!"
Bookie walks through the curtains and the crowd arounds. Bookie smiles. "Good evening,
everyone. Welcome to the Heart and Soul of the Dark Federation, Jhans." Bookie turns
to Cluricus and says, "Did you know that wasn't going to be Jhans' original name?"
"It wasn't?" Cluricus asked.
"No, since Sunset is 'The Arena of Death,' Jhans was going to be 'The Arena of *Bleep*
Around and Find out,' but we didn't think the censor would let us advertise that."
"The second fits better," Cluricus said with a smile.
"Agreed," Bookie said grinning. He made the finger gun symbol and held it up high.
"Let me give everyone here in the studio and our fans at home a happy Guns Up. Now,
remember, Guns Up is making the finger gun symbol and saluting someone. Den likes to
mockingly call this 'Buns Up,' which is really ironic, as buns up is how we pass his
wife around back in the Green Room."
A picture on the wall opens up like a door. Den's wife stands there in a bikini with
black marker written hippie symbols all over her body. She giggles and says, "It's
true." She pauses and then adds, "Sock it to me," before vanishing.
Bookie chuckled. "It makes me happy that Consortium may be the only person to fully
get that reference. Laugh-In, Goldie Hawn, we love ya." He blows a kiss at the camera.
"Tell them the big news about Kodiak," Cluricus said.
"Oh, yes. The royal family here in Jhans announced a complete reshuffling of their
political cabinet. Word is that Kodiak was offered to head up either the Jhans
equivalent of the CIA or the FBI."
The crowd giggles. Cluricus shakes his head, chuckling.
Bookie continues, "Kodiak responded to the offer by saying that he refuses to head an
administration that he can't spell."
"Well, that's what you get for dropping out in the first grade," Cluricus said.
"First grade?" Bookie chuckled. "I think you may be giving the boy too much credit. I
saw him playing with flashcards with shapes on them." Bookie pulls a card out of his
coat pocket with a circle on it. "This is a circle, Kodiak. It looks a lot like the
number zero, which is exactly how many wins you have against me. Enjoy your bloodfeud,
Sunshine. I'm your little huckleberry."
"And what about the crazy turn, my man?"
"Oh my god, Cluricus! You aren't even kidding. After a turn with an empty throne the
arena was ambushed by Ebenezer Frothenslosh who took the throne. Congrats to the old
Slosher! Enjoy that Pappa Bear Memorial Box. You know, I actually predicted Ebenezer's
return in the personal ads. I guess I can just tell when Ebenezer is about to come."
Polarius steps into appearance from stage left. "I can tell when Den's wife is about
to come. He turns and faces offstage. "In fact, she's about to come now."
A blast of water slams into Polarius' face. It's so powerful that he has to resist
being pushed backwards. Bookie has turned pale.
Den's wife walks into view from stage left carrying a water hose. She giggles. "Summer
fun!"
Bookie laughs so hard his side hurts. "You don't even want to know what I thought just
happened."
Polarius grinned. "Oh, trust me. I do."
Den's wife holds up her finger gun and says, "Come on, Polarius. Let's go backstage
and finger bang each other."
With a look that could make a nun blush, Polarius holds up his finger gun and says,
"Who am I to deny a lady's request? Bang-bang, baby."
Bookie applauds. "Alright folks, before we move to commercial. We would like to
address the rumors that are circulating the city as word on the street is that there's
going to be an appearance by a surprise manager in the next few turns right here in
Jhans."
The crowd begins to buzz.
"I have heard names like Uncle Charlie, or Cosmo Frothenslosh to those who remember
those days. Uncle Charlie, great manager, twice the man Den could ever be. Who'd like
to see Charlie come back?"
The crowd cheers.
"I actually grew up with Charlie. It would be awesome to have him back. Other name
getting dropped is Doc Steele."
Sounds of anxious anticipation fill the room.
"Word is that Doc is tired of Den's mouth. And, if this is true, word is Doc is
bringing some Legion5 buddies because, and I quote, 'They are bored and want some easy
wins against the AA.' Would having Doc Steele in the arena be great for Jhans?"
Applause.
"The last rumored name that we'll talk about is Mordraith. That right there is my DRC
killing mate. Who wants to see NBK back in the house?"
Crowd chants, "N-B-K! N-B-K!"
"Remind me what NBK stands for again," Cluricus said.
Bookie smiled. "Natural Born Killer. If Mordraith shows up, the gravediggers union is
gonna have to hire some more employees. Hell, if ANY of the rumored managers show up
it's going to be a slaughter. Den's win/loss record is going down faster than a party
guest at P Diddy's house. With that said, we have a word from our sponsors and a few
skits to get to tonight. And, for those who were concerned, Consortium finally got out
of that well. He stayed in that hole so long I heard that he nicknamed it 'Den's
Mouth,' and who hasn't been up in there. Every weekend there's a party in Den's mouth
and trust me when I say this, EVERYONE is coming. See you right after this."
Static.
Bashur, who is obviously Assur wearing a horribly fake goatee, smiles at the camera.
He clears his throat. "Hey there! I'm Bashur I'm selling my new book called 'Ten is
the Only Kill Desire You Need.' It's available by calling the number below."
Ultraist walks into the frame and points at Bashur. "So, you're a Delarquan now?"
"No," Bashur replied smiling coyly. "I'm Bashur."
"But a ten kill desire is a Delarquan thing."
"It's a Bashur thing. I'm not Delarquan. I'm evil. Can't you tell by my Mirror-Mirror
Universe goatee?"
Ultraist chuckled. "Star Trek reference?"
"Star Trek reference."
Shrugging, Ultraist said, "*Bleep* it. He's not Assur."
Static.
For fans of Good Omens.
Uncle Charlie and Azrael stand in the middle of an ancient cemetery. Fog dances along
the ground thicker than thieves. Both men are clearly dressed up to be demons. Charlie
sighs, "He's running late."
Azrael grunted, "He'll be here."
Bookie appears out of the fog dressed liked a Catholic Priest. He holds up his left
hand and says, "Hail Satan."
Charlie and Azrael say in unison, "Hail Satan."
Azrael curiously looks Bookie up and down. "What's with the priest outfit, brother?"
Bookie smiled. "You have absolutely no idea how much stuff you can get away by wearing
one of these. Plus, you can get *so many* good leads in a confessional booth."
Polarius walks through the cemetery with a bikini model on each arm. Smiling ear to
ear, he says, "Ain't that the *bleep*'n truth," and disappears into the fog.
"Enough trivial conversation," Charlie says. "We shall discuss what great work we've
been doing. Just today, I tempted a man with a young maiden. In six years, his soul
will belong to us."
"That's nothing," Azrael replied. "Today I tempted a Freeblades' mayor with
corruption. In four years, his soul will belong to us." He then turned to Bookie.
"What great deed have you done, brother?"
Laughing, Bookie said, "I have totally *bleep*'d with HAL and how often he updates the
newsletters online."
Charlie wrinkled his brow. "That doesn't sound that impressive."
"Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how frustrated managers get when they don't get
their newsletters." Bookie dropped his voice to a whisper, "I once heard that Doc
Steele got so upset that he decimated a few arenas to the point that they had to be
closed."
"Doc Steele did that?" Azrael asked.
Bookie shouted, "Hey, Neon! Did Doc do that?"
Cut to Neon Necromancer standing in the middle of several graves. "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
He quickly added, "But I helped!"
"What are you doing out here, anyway, Neon?" Bookie asked.
"Proving a point to Angus. He told me it was hard to raise a family. I told him *not*
if they're buried close enough, it isn't."
Everyone in the scene bows. "And that was your D&D/Necromancy joke of the week,"
Bookie says. "Now roll them d20s!"
Static.
The cast stands together waving to the audience. Bookie steps forward and says, "I
wanna thank everybody who showed up for tonight's show. Hope everyone at home has
enjoyed themselves. As they say in the movie, 'Are you not entertained?'"
The crowd applauds.
Bookie looks around with a confused look. "Nobody's told me what the plans are after
the show. Y'all hiding stuff?"
Everyone shakes their head. Bookie looks at Polarius. "Polarius, what's your plan
after the show?"
Polarius grins. "Muhn Ching Beaver."
"WHAT?!"
"Muhn Ching Beaver. It's the new Chinese Buffet in Jhans."
Bookie laughs. "Okay, on that note. Bang-Bang Gang out!"
Polarius walks offstage with an arm around Den's Wife. He whispers to her, "I'm gonna
drive your little red corvette."
"But I don't own a car," Den's Wife replied smiling mischievsouly.
"I know, baby," Polarius said smiling. "I *bleep*'n know."
Fade to black.
***---------*---------*---------*---------**---------*---------*---------*---------***
Cluripus skipped down the path, enjoying his alone time not having to listen to the
insistent babbling of his companion Cookie. However, the path he travelled would take
him to Cookie and once again he would be forced to endure the boasting and bragging,
the only two things he was good at. He was to meet Cookie at the docks to see his new
ship that he purchased for the journey to Niytyole Island where they hoped to start a
new team after gaining as much experience in tournaments as possible.
He found his friend standing on the dock, hands on his hips with a proud smile on his
face. When Cookie noticed his friend arrive he greeted him with a wave and said,
"Cluripus, take a look my friend, look at my dinghy." Cluripus stared at the dinghy,
"It's not very big!" "It's not the size of the dinghy, it's how you use it that
matters! Besides, if you don't have it in the ships, you have better have it in the
slips. But, all the slips were full so I have to tie my dinghy up alongside the dock
for now." Cookie remained fixated on his dinghy and as he watched a large shore bird
landed on the mast, spread its wings and relieved himself all over the deck.
"Oh no!" Cluripus exclaimed, "you have poop all over your dinghy."
"No worries, I get poop on my dinghy all the time. Easy to remove, you just use
special deck lotion and stroke it with a firm hand and the poop comes right off." The
statement seemed to make sense to Cluripus, not having a dinghy of his own he was not
sure how you would get the poop off.
"When do we get to sail to Niytyole Island?" Cluripus asked Cookie.
"We have a dinghy, small and pathetic as it may be, but we have a dinghy, but what we
need is some seamen to get this dinghy moving." Cookie answered. "I believe we can
find a lot of seamen down at Bookie's Brothel, it is not uncommon to find them there
when they get off another vessel." Bookie's Brothel was a family business, the family
was there all the time, but it never seemed to make much money.
Cluripus wrinkled his face, "I heard that the seamen at the brothel are pretty salty,
are you going to be comfortable with salty seamen on your dinghy?"
"Of course, I would love to have my dinghy worked by salty seamen." Cookie confidently
answered.
"What if we cannot find any seamen, whether at the brothel or anywhere else?" asked
Cluripus.
"Then we ride a ferry!" answered Cookie.
-- Brought to you from the desk of Den and the mighty Allied Axis
SPY REPORT
If you were disturbed from your beauty rest only to have to watch a bunch of
JHANS brutes like you, you'd be grouchy, too. Later days, D'ORKS, since BOOKIE'S
BROTHEL took top team from you this turn, you guys are old news. Now keep the
taverns open late tonight, for there are sorrows to drown for PAINFUL VIBES, whose
1-4-0 this turn dropped them by 5 into 8th. Ha! CHARMERS turned their 3-0-0 turn
into a 7th place rank in the listings this turn. Any better than this, and you get
put on hit lists. Gee, I'm impressed, a 4-1-0 is nice, but don't get cocky, SUICIDAL
DREAMS, the Fates teach humility, and the Fates are proud. Of course, we're all
terribly impressed to see BAT OUT OF HELL win a fight and gain 24 points, terribly.
Tsk, tsk, BAT OUT OF HELL beat CALIFORNIA and CALIFORNIA lost 21 points. You're
breakin' my heart. KASIM challenged JHANS' Duelmaster for a shot at the throne. And
if variety is the spice of life, JHANS may be getting bland, as SUPER SIZE ME stays
top dog in the city. Lucas Lounge, humph! I've tasted better ale at mortuaries.
Where do they get this stuff? From JHANS' trash dumps?
My mother always told me, 'If you don't have anything nice to say, start
talking.' I loved that woman. JHANS, I am losing what little hope I had in you.
SECTION HATE the most avoided team? What insult will suffice, I cannot say. And it
looks like BOOKIE'S BROTHEL avoided them the most this turn. What a pack of would be
losers, if you ask me. Hmph. Ooh, I'm frightfully impressed, HERO OF JHANS was this
turn's most challenged warrior. Watch that ego swell, sports fans. Now look at
this. NOT DEN challenged down 21 against GODS OF UNCOOTH's GOD OF GARBAGE. What a
weasel! And golly gee, NOT DEN defeated GOD OF GARBAGE. Aren't we all surprised and
impressed? I notice NAME A KARDASHIAN challenging down 27 points to fight HERO OF
JHANS, CHARMERS doubtless has some rotten excuse for such an insult to honor. And
sorry to say, NAME A KARDASHIAN won victory over HERO OF JHANS, leaving a bad feeling
with the crowd. I think exploitive snob is the term I'm looking for. EDITH THE MAUL
was challenged by one of CHARMERS' warriors this turn, with MINNIE MOUSE having a
lead of 19 points going into the fight. Question now is, will JHANS accept this sort
of tacky behavior? MINNIE MOUSE beating EDITH THE MAUL. The insult, the....yech! I
guess I can give a little credit to BRICKHOUSE of SECTION HATE for challenging up by
20 to KILL-KID FIZZLE. BRICKHOUSE won to get 105 points of recognition.
Death and Taxes. The less death I see, the more it taxes my patience. Let's
see if anyone's dead or dying. Whoa! I'll even buy HORKDUP a drink tonight! Anyone
who can come back from the Dark Arena, I want to be on hers good side! I can't say
as I'm proud to find out that BOOKIE'S BROTHEL's EUROTRASH GIRL has killed EXCESSIVE
FORCE from JUSTICE. I can say I wish JUSTICE good luck in their bloodfeud. Not that
I'll be buying the drinks, but I'll be glad to see THE LOVE ABOVE and MEMPHIS MAFIA
II at Lucas Lounge tonight celebrating their bloodfeud victory over GENGHIS KHAN.
It's about time SUFFERING got beat for picking on warriors like ANGEL OF REFUSE.
Bravo, GODS OF UNCOOTH. See you at Lucas Lounge. We're all going to die in the end,
so why worry if the fate catches up with you sooner that later?
I was about to buy a new quill pen the other day, but some fighter took it for
an epee. Forgive me for writing with a dagger. Phlllt! Just had to do that before
I leave the fine city of JHANS. I feel much better now. I see the crowds are
getting restless, I must leave now-- Snide Clemens
DUELMASTER W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
SUPER SIZE ME 6347 13 9 0 116 PAST TENSE (28)
CHALLENGER CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
KALISTA J'NAE 6631 17 13 1 111 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
GAMBIT 6161 23 19 2 109 MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
BRICKHOUSE 5960 19 3 0 105 SECTION HATE (491)
THE LOVE ABOVE 6892 12 6 0 96 MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
KASIM 8523 8 7 0 96 ARABIAN KNIGHTS (685)
PIMP BEEFAROONY 6579 19 12 0 95 THE DREAMING (529)
CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
KILL-KID FIZZLE 6646 24 6 0 89 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
TITANIC 178 21 17 0 87 PAST TENSE (28)
BEAUTIFUL SADNESS 6558 15 17 2 87 MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
CAP'N FLOPPY 6935 15 2 0 82 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
NEON'S MAMMA 6376 15 11 0 81 BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554)
CHAMPIONS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
MYSTERICAL 8404 21 10 0 73 BIG LAKE BASHERS (23)
CHALLENGER ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
RAGNAR LOTHBROK 8565 7 3 1 66 TIME STALLYNS (667)
EX POST FACTO 6621 10 4 0 64 PAST TENSE (28)
GENGHIS KHAN 8210 5 6 1 64 TIME STALLYNS (667)
ALI BABA 8555 6 6 1 63 ARABIAN KNIGHTS (685)
DUBAN 8509 5 0 0 63 ARABIAN KNIGHTS (685)
MISS DAYTONA 3164 11 15 0 62 IRON DAMSELS (16)
-DALTOS 8622 15 10 0 61 DARK ABUNDANCE (695)
SCHEHERAZADE 8508 5 2 0 61 ARABIAN KNIGHTS (685)
HORKDUP 8578 6 4 1 60 D'ORKS (693)
NIGHT SHADE 6953 12 3 0 57 THE DREAMING (529)
ADEPTS W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
OVERSIZE CARRION 6620 10 19 1 56 PAST TENSE (28)
SHE-WOLF 8208 9 11 0 56 TIME STALLYNS (667)
TALOPEA SINN 3476 7 9 1 52 IRON DAMSELS (16)
BEHUTIFUL 3482 7 7 2 51 IRON DAMSELS (16)
BAT OUT OF HELL 8550 2 2 0 51 SATAN'S CHALLENGE (690)
SKYDXDDY 8568 8 3 0 50 BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554)
SHAHRYAR 8510 7 8 1 49 ARABIAN KNIGHTS (685)
SCARLET 6921 9 7 1 44 THE DREAMING (529)
YAKUZA 8589 4 5 1 42 SECTION HATE (491)
JOAN OF ARC 8566 4 3 0 42 TIME STALLYNS (667)
DEFIANCE 6122 6 10 2 41 SECTION HATE (491)
DATORK 8581 6 4 0 40 D'ORKS (693)
LOATHING 8556 8 4 0 38 SECTION HATE (491)
EUROTRASH GIRL 8657 3 1 2 38 BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554)
WONKEYE 8579 7 3 0 37 D'ORKS (693)
IMPATIENT OF GENIUS 8599 2 0 0 36 SIMPLE DISCOURSE (694)
CHALLENGER INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
NAME A KARDASHIAN 8573 4 0 1 33 CHARMERS (692)
SULTAN OF SMELL 8677 2 0 0 32 GODS OF UNCOOTH (696)
TRA'SHELLE XANIA 6630 6 12 1 31 BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554)
BRILLIANT RAGE 6803 7 7 2 30 BOOKIE'S BROTHEL (554)
CALIFORNIA 3618 7 4 0 28 GOLD (294)
MINNIE MOUSE 8571 3 1 0 28 CHARMERS (692)
QUAD 15 8605 3 4 1 27 BIG LAKE BASHERS (23)
NOT DEN 8570 5 3 0 26 CHARMERS (692)
FLAILING ATTACK 8642 5 1 0 25 SECTION HATE (491)
BABY COOKIE 8586 4 6 0 25 BIG LAKE BASHERS (23)
INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
SOUL CALIBER 8209 6 5 0 23 TIME STALLYNS (667)
OBSESSION 8403 4 3 0 23 PAINFUL VIBES (678)
LORD OF LITTER 8673 2 1 1 23 GODS OF UNCOOTH (696)
THE LOVE BETWEEN 8591 5 4 0 22 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
-PRINCE CHARMING 8574 3 1 0 21 CHARMERS (692)
BLISSFUL SORROW 8682 1 0 1 21 MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
TITAN OF TRASH 8664 3 1 1 19 GODS OF UNCOOTH (696)
ANGEL OF REFUSE 8663 3 1 0 19 GODS OF UNCOOTH (696)
KERIK TROLLBANE 8604 5 2 0 18 BIG LAKE BASHERS (23)
PASSION 8400 3 3 0 18 PAINFUL VIBES (678)
SUN DEVIL 8594 2 1 1 18 ILLUSION (96)
ZELDA 8609 3 4 1 14 THE DREAMING (529)
SUFFERING 8654 3 2 1 12 PAINFUL VIBES (678)
HATE 8641 3 3 0 12 PAINFUL VIBES (678)
KUURUS 8684 1 0 0 12 DARK ABUNDANCE (695)
THE REBUKER 8544 2 2 0 11 JUSTICE (689)
BLURT 8653 2 2 0 8 DARK ABUNDANCE (695)
BARKEEP BARB 8685 1 0 0 8 IRON DAMSELS (16)
INITIATES W L K POINTS TEAM NAME
LEMAN 8670 2 1 0 7 DARK ABUNDANCE (695)
MIRROR 8575 1 3 1 7 ILLUSION (96)
MONDEGO 8674 1 2 0 7 THE DREAMING (529)
GOD OF GARBAGE 8661 0 4 0 7 GODS OF UNCOOTH (696)
TEENAGE DIRTBAG 8680 1 0 0 6 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
VENGEANCE 8671 1 2 0 5 PAINFUL VIBES (678)
EDITH THE MAUL 8676 1 2 0 5 IRON DAMSELS (16)
CHAMELEON 8593 0 3 0 3 ILLUSION (96)
HERO OF JHANS 8672 0 3 0 3 BIG LAKE BASHERS (23)
THE PROSECUTOR 8595 0 3 0 3 JUSTICE (689)
FAITH IN CAUSATION 8600 0 2 0 2 SIMPLE DISCOURSE (694)
SKUNNER 8683 0 1 0 1 DARK ABUNDANCE (695)
A 8554 0 1 0 1 SATAN'S CHALLENGE (690)
'-' denotes a warrior who did not fight this turn.
THE DEAD W L K TEAM NAME SLAIN BY TURN Revenge?
EMBEZZLING SCRIB 0 0 0 BLISSFUL SORROW 8682 966 NONE
KAOW'BHEL 8656 1 4 0 D'ORKS 693 QUAD 15 8605 966
TNKR 'BHEL 8659 1 3 0 D'ORKS 693 SPYMASTER 966 NONE
ANSEL 8675 0 1 0 DARK ABUNDANCE 695 TITAN OF TRASH 8664 964
STUG 8612 2 1 0 DARK ABUNDANCE 695 YAKUZA 8589 962 REVENGED
KOBOLD ENFORCER 0 0 0 DARK ARENA HORKDUP 8578 966 NONE
DIEE 8681 0 1 0 FERMENTED 651 SLIPPERS MCGHEE 966 NONE
DEMIEGOD OF DUMP 8662 1 1 0 GODS OF UNCOOTH 696 BRILLIANT RAGE 6803 964
DIRTY DICTY 8660 0 1 0 GODS OF UNCOOTH 696 SUFFERING 8654 963 JUST REVENGED
MASK 8583 1 2 1 ILLUSION 96 LORD OF LITTER 8673 966
LL CHIPPIE 8596 2 3 0 IRON DAMSELS 16 EUROTRASH GIRL 8657 963 REVENGED
DEMONICOP 8538 2 2 1 JUSTICE 689 SLIPPERS MCGHEE 966 NONE
EXCESSIVE FORCE 8543 1 3 0 JUSTICE 689 EUROTRASH GIRL 8657 966
KIZZLE CANT KILL 6893 10 7 0 MEMPHIS MAFIA II 542 GENGHIS KHAN 8210 965 JUST REVENGED
NOT TODAY JESUS 8679 0 1 0 MEMPHIS MAFIA II 542 RIPPLES DORRIGAN 966 NONE
PERSONAL ADS
Bookie, you cretin, let me outta this well! I promise to use Tide in my wash. -- The
Consortium (still wishing Clemson had made the Final Four)
Loved the 5 Hail Mary's and two leads ............. -- T.C.
Den, tsk, tsk. Of course I write personals and DM Columns in many other arenas. Little
gal, perhaps you are simply not intelligent enough to understand who wrote them? Or,
perhaps your reading skills are quite low? I feel sorry for you, Bimbo. -- The
Consortium
King D'Orc -- DATDAMNORC is passing me off. -- Gentleben
Den -- You couldn't figure it out? I've been there for over two years now. I fight
Cruel Nights, you know, the team with the Duelmaster! -- Kodiak
Consortium -- I don't need to join an alliance, but I will certainly work with them to
end Bookie's little adventure. Tell me Mr. Fairplay, what is the difference between
Bookie and Den? The only difference I see is that one flatters you and the other does
not. Is there a difference I did not see? -- Kodiak
Bookie -- Funny, even my young warriors are giving your experienced warriors all they
can handle. Rest assured crybaby, I will have my revenge. After you enjoy a good
cry, come find me, my team is the one looking at you. --
Kodiak
Den -- My apologies for my absence but I'm back in this country now!
I know what you mean, seems as though Bookie just plagiarizes fifty percent of what
he writes from the same episode of AEW wrestling I saw a week before or a junior high
locker room wall.
That "I am the devil," storyline was stupid the *first* time I saw it, and this guy
doesn't have the charisma to pull it off... He doesn't even seem to have the
originality to say things generically... If he had said "Redneck gun owners for life!
Bay, bay..." then, as a Texan, I would've have went outside to fire recklessly in the
air a couple shots ala Yosemite Sam! -- T-A
Kodiak -- Welcome to Jhans! I hope you will join us in our Bounty on Bookie race! Just
as soon as he names his teams... he seems to use a lot of words just few about his
teams... Most managers are proud to name their teams but Bookie thinks it's a puzzle
to be figured out...
We've added two published works from Bookie in our prize package: The first is
Bookie's: Instructions for Fingerpainting," which as you know has the most famously
amusing line in literature: "Page 4 Step Four: Clean-up is for doodie-heads!" ... to
my 5-year old newphew it's like the bible! The second is his current masterpiece:
"Jhans: How to raise a Duel arena to 19 TPS and be proud!"
-- T-A, Illusion & Justice
Philthy Phil -- Congrats on 3-turn champion! ... And wish you future luck! -- T-A
Den -- You know that you can't beat me in a fair kill race! Give it up! -- T-A
Wow, the most popular girl in Jhans! I haven't had this many guys chasing me like
that since I won the bikini contest in 1988 :) -- Miss Daytona
Cookie -- You call Ultrawaist a "legend"? A legend of what? The only thing that big-
waisted idiot has ever done that is noteworthy is getting kicked out of OCB for
overeating. It and its sidekick Lady Mordraith are worse snowflakes than you. Over
twenty years ago I spent a single day on their little Doom Corps site, getting banned
quickly because they can dish it out, but cannot take it. Doesn't surprise me that
you love them, you are the same, you love giving it out, but cry foul when it is given
back to you. You are correct about one thing, I am indeed not half the man that
Ultrawaist is, I would have to weigh in at over 300 pounds to be half of that. Birds
of a feather flock together, loser. -- Den
Consodomite -- Yeah, start a team here old man, put some of your remaining energy into
filling out strategy sheets instead of the same tired PA's turn after turn. See how
long before you get a graduate out of here, but I'm sure you will replace the team
over a dozen times like you had to in Niytyole Island. You've got nothing and are
scared to prove it. -- Den
Cookie -- Watching you brag about your record is like watching the leper with the most
fingers brag about them. Tell you what skippy, every active team I have is over 50%
except one, and that is done while being challenged over 50% of the time and talking
crap to everyone in the arena. You are proud of what you have while kissing up to
anyone that bothers to listen to you. Wow, impressive, almost as impressive as your
boyfriend Consodmite bragging about graduating warriors from empty arenas. Maybe he
can show you his special "pat your own back" maneuver that he practices daily. Last
question, is there anyone you won't beg to be on your "team" and fight against the big
scary Den? -- Den
Tyrant-Apex -- You are correct, if we quit fighting in this cesspool, the arena would
be down to 12 active teams, with a quarter of those being Cookie and his little
friend. His life's work would be destroyed, so simple. Eventually he would be writing
to himself week after week. Who would be around to hear him brag about being a
"published author" or how he is clever by plagiarizing old jokes and facebook memes
and calling it "clever wordplay." I guess with his "clever wordplay" he could be
President of Harvard. -- Den
Philthy -- Yet another great record against the published author, proving why you are
the 9th in Command of the mighty Allied Axis! -- Den
LAST WEEK'S FIGHTS
HORKDUP butchered KOBOLD ENFORCER in a crowd pleasing 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
DEMONICOP was murdered by SLIPPERS MCGHEE in a 1 minute Dark Arena melee.
TNKR 'BHEL was murdered by SPYMASTER in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
NOT TODAY JESUS was slaughtered by RIPPLES DORRIGAN in a 1 minute Dark Arena brawl.
DIEE was assassinated by SLIPPERS MCGHEE in a 1 minute Dark Arena fight.
THE LOVE ABOVE demolished GENGHIS KHAN in a 1 minute mismatched Bloodfeud competition.
ANGEL OF REFUSE defeated SUFFERING in a 5 minute novice's Bloodfeud struggle.
BLURT was viciously subdued by TITAN OF TRASH in a 2 minute Bloodfeud fight.
IMPATIENT OF GENIUS won victory over TRA'SHELLE XANIA in a 2 minute Challenge duel.
KASIM lost to SUPER SIZE ME in a 1 minute veteran's Challenge Title duel.
BRICKHOUSE savagely defeated KILL-KID FIZZLE in a 37 minute expert's Challenge match.
CAP'N FLOPPY narrowly defeated MYSTERICAL in a unpopular 23 minute Challenge match.
EX POST FACTO slimly won victory over SHE-WOLF in a 7 minute Challenge battle.
RAGNAR LOTHBROK overpowered SHAHRYAR in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge conflict.
OVERSIZE CARRION was overpowered by MISS DAYTONA in a 1 minute Challenge duel.
SKYDXDDY unbelievably bested DEFIANCE in a action packed 4 minute Challenge duel.
YAKUZA was devastated by DUBAN in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge brawl.
NOT DEN defeated GOD OF GARBAGE in a exciting 3 minute Challenge bout.
JOAN OF ARC overpowered KERIK TROLLBANE in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge bout.
LOATHING narrowly defeated BRILLIANT RAGE in a 2 minute Challenge conflict.
NAME A KARDASHIAN devastated HERO OF JHANS in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge contest.
SOUL CALIBER was overpowered by SCARLET in a 1 minute one-sided Challenge duel.
MINNIE MOUSE vanquished EDITH THE MAUL in a 1 minute mismatched Challenge fray.
PASSION was defeated by BABY COOKIE in a 2 minute Challenge match.
KAOW'BHEL was assassinated by QUAD 15 in a 1 minute uneven Challenge fight.
KALISTA J'NAE overpowered TITANIC in a 1 minute uneven fight.
PIMP BEEFAROONY was savagely defeated by GAMBIT in a 1 minute veteran's bout.
NEON'S MAMMA unbelievably bested VETERAN MERCENARY in a popular 9 minute fray.
BEAUTIFUL SADNESS beat ALI BABA in a 1 minute uneven competition.
TALOPEA SINN beat WONKEYE in a popular 1 minute fight.
SCHEHERAZADE vanquished DATORK in a exciting 4 minute brutal one-sided fray.
NIGHT SHADE luckily beat BEHUTIFUL in a exciting 7 minute brutal fight.
CALIFORNIA was overpowered by BAT OUT OF HELL in a 1 minute one-sided fray.
EUROTRASH GIRL butchered EXCESSIVE FORCE in a 1 minute one-sided duel.
FLAILING ATTACK outwaited HATE in a tiresome 22 minute battle.
OBSESSION bested MONDEGO in a action packed 3 minute bout.
THE LOVE BETWEEN overpowered THE PROSECUTOR in a 1 minute one-sided match.
ZELDA unbelievably bested FAITH IN CAUSATION in a 2 minute gruesome match.
SUN DEVIL savagely defeated A in a popular 2 minute bloody beginner's bout.
CHAMELEON was subdued by LEMAN in a tiresome 6 minute beginner's competition.
MASK was savagely slain by LORD OF LITTER in a 2 minute gruesome beginner's battle.
MIRROR was bested by BARKEEP BARB in a action packed 4 minute amateur's match.
THE REBUKER was handily defeated by SULTAN OF SMELL in a 1 minute mismatched fight.
VENGEANCE was overpowered by KUURUS in a 1 minute uneven competition.
TEENAGE DIRTBAG viciously subdued SKUNNER in a popular 1 minute brutal novice's match.
BLISSFUL SORROW assassinated EMBEZZLING SCRIBE in a 1 minute gory one-sided duel.
BATTLE REPORT
MOST POPULAR RECORD DURING THE LAST 10 TURNS
|FIGHTING STYLE FIGHTS FIGHTING STYLE W - L - K PERCENT|
|TOTAL PARRY 16 TOTAL PARRY 89 - 56 - 1 61 |
|LUNGING ATTACK 14 PARRY-STRIKE 34 - 25 - 3 58 |
|SLASHING ATTACK 12 AIMED BLOW 26 - 22 - 2 54 |
|STRIKING ATTACK 11 STRIKING ATTACK 39 - 33 - 3 54 |
|BASHING ATTACK 10 LUNGING ATTACK 56 - 57 - 7 50 |
|AIMED BLOW 8 WALL OF STEEL 12 - 13 - 1 48 |
|PARRY-STRIKE 7 BASHING ATTACK 42 - 54 - 4 44 |
|WALL OF STEEL 4 SLASHING ATTACK 25 - 50 - 4 33 |
|PARRY-RIPOSTE 3 PARRY-RIPOSTE 7 - 15 - 0 32 |
|PARRY-LUNGE 0 PARRY-LUNGE 1 - 4 - 0 20 |
Turn 966 was great if you Not so great if you used The fighting styles of the
used the fighting styles: the fighting styles: top eleven warriors are:
STRIKING ATTACK 8 - 3 LUNGING ATTACK 4 - 10 4 TOTAL PARRY
TOTAL PARRY 11 - 5 SLASHING ATTACK 3 - 9 2 PARRY-STRIKE
AIMED BLOW 5 - 3 WALL OF STEEL 1 - 3 1 STRIKING ATTACK
BASHING ATTACK 6 - 4 PARRY-LUNGE 0 - 0 1 SLASHING ATTACK
PARRY-STRIKE 4 - 3 PARRY-RIPOSTE 0 - 3 1 AIMED BLOW
1 BASHING ATTACK
1 WALL OF STEEL
TOP WARRIOR OF EACH STYLE
FIGHTING STYLE WARRIOR W L K PNTS TEAM NAME
STRIKING ATTACK SUPER SIZE ME 6347 13 9 0 116 PAST TENSE (28)
SLASHING ATTACK KALISTA J'NAE 6631 17 13 1 111 SUICIDAL DREAMS (525)
AIMED BLOW GAMBIT 6161 23 19 2 109 MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
TOTAL PARRY BRICKHOUSE 5960 19 3 0 105 SECTION HATE (491)
BASHING ATTACK THE LOVE ABOVE 6892 12 6 0 96 MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)
PARRY-STRIKE KASIM 8523 8 7 0 96 ARABIAN KNIGHTS (685)
WALL OF STEEL TITANIC 178 21 17 0 87 PAST TENSE (28)
LUNGING ATTACK WONKEYE 8579 7 3 0 37 D'ORKS (693)
Note: Warriors have a winning record and are an Adept or Above.
The overall popularity leader is SHE-WOLF 8208. The most popular warrior this turn
was BEHUTIFUL 3482. The ten other most popular fighters were DATORK 8581, SHE-WOLF
8208, DEFIANCE 6122, SCHEHERAZADE 8508, MIRROR 8575, IMPATIENT OF GENIUS 8599, GOD OF
GARBAGE 8661, OBSESSION 8403, SUN DEVIL 8594, and GAMBIT 6161.
The least popular fighter this week was BRICKHOUSE 5960. The other ten least popular
fighters were KILL-KID FIZZLE 6646, MYSTERICAL 8404, CAP'N FLOPPY 6935, FLAILING
ATTACK 8642, HATE 8641, LEMAN 8670, ANGEL OF REFUSE 8663, NEON'S MAMMA 6376,
CHAMELEON 8593, and VENGEANCE 8671.
The following warriors will travel to AD after next turn:
GAMBIT (36-6161) MEMPHIS MAFIA II (542)